When I had got through with my story, she begged, with tears streaming from her eyes, that I would abandon this dreadful determination, and return to the brig. She could not endure the idea of my being a deserter from the United States Navy, and, if ever taken, would, in all probability, be subject to severe punishment. These arguments, and such visible demonstrations of regard for my future happiness, weighed heavily with me. I could hardly refrain from tears myself, and very soon my friend came in, and when I made known the affair to him, he insisted on my immediate return. I spent the night with this kind family, and on the following morning, went back, without having been missed.
Still there was a fixed gloom that hung over me. This spell, or infatuation, or whatever it might be called, was like an incubus that bore me down. I was like one determined on 1 self-destruction, and seeking a place and an opportunity for its consummation. I kept busy at my work, and received the kindest treatment from Mr. Barnwell, as well as from every officer on board the brio-. There was a rumor among the seamen that i.. Mr. Barnwell was to be removed to another ship, which, although it caused me some little regret, was without foundation, at least, for the present. My mind still brooded over my unhappy condition, and again I was determined to leave the navy, and also to leave the country.
I obtained permission to go to New York, and managed to get my clothes bag on shore, and deposited it with Jack Anderson's wife. I crossed the ferry, and had no sooner stepped out of the ferry-boat, than a strong feeling of selfreproach came over me,, which nearly staggered me in this foolish resolution. Mr. Barnwell had given me liberty to be absent twenty-four hours: his treatment to me had been like that of a kind father, and now to requite this good feeling by desertion, seemed to be the heighth of ingratitude. All this made me half determined to re-cross the ferrv. I thought if I could find a friend into whose ear I could pour my trouble, and obtain from him some consoling advice, even that would make me happy.
I went to the Bull's Head Inn, in the Bowery, the depot for wagons that plied between New York and Boston, (as the water communication was cut oft' by the British cruisers) and found that a wagon would start next morning by daylight. I saw the driver, and bargained with him to carry me to Boston, and for which I was to give him my pea-jacket. 1 did not awake the next morning until after the hour at which the wagon was to start; so, of course, 1 lost my passage: but such a night as I passed cannot be described; what with horrid dreams and direful forebodings, I was nearly distracted. I spent the day in walking round the wharves, as no wagon started until the next day.
I did not at this time go near my former friend, who so kindly dissuaded me before but I called on another, an elderly gentleman, and to whom I told my story. He happened to be the friend I had been seeking, and he urged me by all means to abandon this rash alternative, and serve my time out honorably, and then I should have nothing to embitter my future life. He offered me any assistance that lay in his power, which offer I gratefully received, and at the same time assured him that T needed nothing but advice. I had plenty of money, and putfUj ■' good clothing, and that all I wanted was to be reconciled to my unhappy condition.
He urged upon me very forcibly his own opinion, backed up with his long experience, that all things came out right in the end, if our intentions were pure; and my conversation with this good old man caused me again to waver in my present intention. On the afternoon of the second day of my absence from the brig, I met AVilson, who had just come over from the Navy Yard. Mr. Barnwell had enquired for me, and he had told him that I was sick, and at the house of a friend in New York. Mr. Barnwell sent him for me, with orders to have me brought over if I was able to stand. Jack and I understood the whole affair, and I went with him to the Navy Yard, and quietly on board the brig, and resumed the job on which I had been at work, when I went ashore.
Next morning, Mr. Barnwell came to me, and enquired about my health, to all of which I replied in a satisfactory manner. In the afternoon, he called me on the quarter-deck, and said he, " I observe that you are a young man of good habits, and acquainted with your business; I have also observed that you are active and get quickly through any job you undertake, and shall appoint you carpenter of this brig; your official appointment I will hand you to-morrow; and that I feel a pleasure in doing this from what I have seen of you since your attachment to the Navy." He then gave me twenty dollars and liberty to go over to New York.